if you are reading this on web, download the pdf or listen by downloading the coming soon
This chapter introduced to three faces of love in marriage. To me its more akin to 3 legs of a stool that stabilizes and provides the balance needed for us to sit on or stand. Even if one is off balance we falter.
The three legs are - Eros, Agape and Philia.
Although love has 4 different uses in Greek - storge in addition to the three above, for the purpose of this chapter I think the three were perfect.
Eros is the root for erotic. Its the romantic love where although emotional it starts to manifest in physical attraction and bodily desires.
Agape is the selfless love which we can only truly get from following Jesus Christ and by God the Father blessing us with His Holy Spirit in us. [Rom 5:8] uses it the best where we see the impact of this love.
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
The classic verse from [1Cor 13] shows the attributes of this love,
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Philia the root for Philadelphia - city of brotherly love. It means affectionate friendship, philos the noun means a prized friend or dear/beloved relation. [John 5:20] uses it in the context of the Trinity demonstrating the relationship between the Father and the Son.
For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and the Father will show Him greater works than these, so that you will marvel.
Balance of the three is needed for a wholesome and flourishing marriage that is biblical and according to how God intended.
- Only eros without the other two, drives us crazy to either becomes slaves of the flesh, even in marriage, or drive our partner away with our sickness and the demeaning feeling or worse causes physical discomfort.
- Only agape, makes us dutiful and fatherly and in some extreme perceived as emotionless, as passion is absent
- Only philia, makes us like brother and sister and more like roommates
- Eros with philia will make us friends with benefits
- Eros with agape will make us a generous sugar daddy
- Agape with philia will make us a serving eunuch
We need all three and I can vouch that I was struggling with finding the balance in my own marriage. My marriage has been dominated by eros with little bit of agape at times, when I get in trouble as Stef calls me out on my selfishness. In some extreme cases, I used to deny physical pleasure to show that I was not a slave to my flesh. I struggled with this through my entire marriage until I became a believer, as I tried to find what the secret recipe for a successful marriage was. I tried various techniques, books, self talk, courses, but never could crack the code for what made a happy wife. There were times when I knew Stef felt she was loved in a balanced way, but more often than not, it was imbalance.
I became a believer in Lord Jesus Christ and saw our relation start to change. Initially it was still tumultous as my old self was still living in the aspect of marriage, although I studied the bible and grew in faith. Woman, give me my space, so I can worship God truly!!
Then I read, [1Tim 5:8]
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
and [Eph 5:25]
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave HimselfI up for her,
and more..which made me question if I was being a good follower of Jesus by not following the key commands. As we started to talk about the discontent Stef was feeling at times, it became apparent that I had a long way to go. Becuase we were not connecting emotionally or mentally at times, this resulted in physical disharmony as well. Again, the emphasis on the balance needed in all legs to stabilize the stool.
I stopped figuring this out on my own, and turned to God for not only understanding my wife, but to ask God to work in my heart to show how much His Daughter meant to me. If this meant, He had to do more circumcision of the heart, by all means Lord. The last thing I wanted to happen when I came to my Lord face to face, was the sharp rebuke on not loving my Stef as He loved His Church.
This meant, not just sacrifice or death in the extreme sense, but sacrifice and death in the micro sense. Whether it was skipping a reading to wash disches or pause a podcast to listen to my wife or totally disconnect so I can focus on her needs, it was the small things that I needed to focus.
Going out and making money and feeding and providing for the family, which is what I hung my hat on, was not enough. As hard as I worked, if I didnt care for my family I am worse than an infidel.
I started to search my heart, pray more about where I was putting the emphasis, so God could show me where the issue was. He revealed that I was primarily focused on self-justifying myself using the income I brought home and my work. I had made several excuses hiding behind my work and related activities, afterall, we have the good life because of my work, right? Realizing that all good things comes from God, I saw the follies of my heart. I also saw that providing alone was not satisfying my wife. She needed my time and undivided attention, but I didnt know how to give that as I was preoccupied on a bible verse, some random thought from work or busyness in general. I started to pray every day for God to pour down His Spirit on me so I can be a better man for His daughter. I also asked for forgiveness from both God and Stef.
I started to pray about God showing me my wife needs and to clear my mind, right before I entered the room, so I can be all present for my bride. Even if she was busy with FB or handling her friends, I was to love her as Christ loves the Church. If Jesus loves me through my sin, as well as when I not think about Him at times and forget to pray and thank Him, how much do I need to do for my wife who sacrifices everything for me.
At this season of my life, I am starting to see how much philia is needed to balance agape and eros. I also see that I need to continue building on my agape for her by action and deeds that are harder said than done. Giving complements and listening is part of the battle, but getting up to take her dog for a walk when its the 9th inning and Redsox need just 1 run to win with 2 on base, requires God's work in me. Which comes in the form of [1Tim 5:8]
In the end, it has come to priorities. Saying Jesus first, Stef second, Family third, Work forth, Church next is cute, but acting it out every day is a whole lot different. The only way I can do this is to rely on my Lord Christ Jesus and to ask my Heavenly Father to continue to pour His Spirit on me as I walk with my Lord by doing His will, as given to me in His Holy Scriptures.